Posted by: mindyourknitting | August 20, 2009


I hit a wall today.  This week has been very busy, and today my energy just gave out.  I could easily have taken a long nap this afternoon, except that Abigail wasn’t feeling cooperative on that front, since she took a four-hour nap while I was out, and was raring to go after that.  I go back to work the week after next, and this week has made me wonder how I’m going to juggle full-time work, a baby, a PhD thesis (oh yeah, I spoke to my advisor last week and it’s full steam ahead for the thesis – gulp), and all the regular life stuff like keeping a house livable, making meals, doctor/dentist appointments, and all the rest.  I know millions (of women) do it, but I worry that I’m going to be burned out very, very soon and something is going to suffer.  I worry that I can’t get it all done, and I worry about leaving my baby all day, every work day.  I’m her favourite person right now, and I want it to stay that way.  But if I’m not the person who’s with her all day, how can it?  And I know that she will be in superb hands with her grandmothers, but I have to hand over so much influence, care, and control over my child to someone else that it’s making me nervous.  Is this mom’s guilt?  Is this what they’re talking about?

I’m also worrying about how to manage all the things I take care of right now PLUS a full-time job.  I might just be having a discouraged moment  because today I’m particularly tired, but with the return to work looming  it’s hard not to wonder how it will all get done.  So, in the interest of not taking time off work or away from Abigail once I go back to work (and to give her more time with her grandmothers than usual as we ramp up to her being with them full-time) I scheduled a ton of appointmentsthis week and next week.  This week alone I’ve had two doctor’s appointments, a dentist appointment (and now another next week), a physiotherapy appointment (and one next week), an appointment at our lawyer’s to finally make up our wills (because we need to decide who gets the cats), and our car is going in for servicing tomorrow.  I have a hair appointment Saturday morning,and Saturday night Abigail is going for her first-ever overnight stay at my parents’ house (those brave, brave souls).  Next week I have to go into work one day to do some pre-return-to-work stuff, I have to get some post-baby work clothes, and I plan on trying to get some cooking done to have meals ready for us in the freezer.  I should probably also freeze some Abigail-friendly foods so that there is stuff ready to go for her lunches…  And now I’m tired just thinking about all this and feel bad that I’ve spent so much time away from Abigail this week when my maternity leave is over so soon.  I’ll be going back on a work arrangement that allows me a day off every two weeks, so at least I’ll have the luxury of being home a little more often, but the reality of leaving her all day is sinking in and tempering my excitement about returning to a job I like and being able to have adult conversations and eat and pee when I want to.

Adding to the fatigue (actually, this might be the real culprit) is the fact that we think Abigail is teething.  I say we “think” because we haven’t seen any teeth yet.  The thing is, she’s over a year old and has no teeth and there’s no sign that teeth are imminent.  So it’s gotten to the point that with every bit of drool, every time she gums an object or finger, and every time she’s cranky or sleeps poorly, we think “this is IT!  She’s teething.”  And she never is.  But this might be the real deal – last Friday and Monday night she was miserable witha capital M, and kept us (ahem, me) up most of the night being generally miserable.  She also had a mysterious body rash when I got her up on Saturday morning, but our doctor didn’t seem too worried and told us to only bring her in if it didn’t clear up in 4-5 days, and it is clearing up now.  Heat rash, perhaps?  One more rash and the kid is going to get one of those hamster bubbles to protect her from the big bad world.  On the up side we couldn’t take her to swimming this week because of the rashiness, so that was two less things I had to attend (but ones I actually enjoy).  Anyway, the level of misery on these recent nights rivaled her worst colicky nights, so we’re assuming that she’s teething.  On the advice of friends (and a pharmacist) I’ve stocked up on baby Tylenol, baby Advil, Oragel, Camilia, refrigerated teethers, peeled carrots, knotted & cold washcloths, and gotten my sling out of storage (*shudder*).  And of course she’s been fine for the last couple of days, now that we actually have teething remedies on hand. 

Anway, I don’t mean to be all sad clown about this, I am kind of looking forward to going back to work, and Abigail will be totally fine and is lucky to be taken care of by family members instead of going to a daycare (which she may go to eventually, and that will also be fine), and I’ll juggle everything with great skill and efficiency, I’m sure.  And in the immediate future we’re going to get to enjoy a night out on Saturday for Erik’s 35th birthday and then come home to a baby-free home.  This means that a) we can have as many cocktails as we wish and b) we can sleep in as late as we want since we have strict orders not to pick her up before noon (thanks, Mom & Dad!).

*Update a few hours later:  All is better, or seems better now.  Erik came home and put Abigail to bed, we had a bite to eat, and some good red vino.  I’m now trying to take care of a few tasks that have been on my mind lately – sending some photos to print, updating Abigail’s baby book, etc.  I’m one of those people – things have to be neat, orderly & done for me to feel sane.  So, if I have to roll change and clean out my closet to achieve that, that’s what I’m going to do!


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