Posted by: mindyourknitting | October 7, 2010

It’s time

I keep waiting for that perfect opportunity – you know the one, when your kid is in bed and your household chores are done and the pressing things that need to be done and will distract you until they are done are finished, and you can sit down and do something relaxing but are still alert enough to be productive –  but it never comes.  Instead, most days are a rush to the finish line and by the time I manage to get some time to myself  I’m too tired to do anything but stare at the tv or blurrily read a book for an hour before going to bed. 

I know part of this is a function of being pregnant, and that I should be slowing down, and in fact my body is trying to force me to slow down, but instead I find I’m having to speed up to get everything done in a day and there’s little left over.   And so I haven’t written anything in over a month, and this too was being added to my increasingly long list of things I find stressful right now (other items on the list: our increasingly nutty schedules, although there may be some relief soon; busy workdays; sorting out maternity and back-to-work arrangements that will probably involve me working part-time at a *gulp* reduced salary once my year of maternity leave is up; thinking about what reducing my hours to part-time will mean to our finances and for my long-term career, but balancing that against more time home with the kids and less chaos in our lives;  finding childcare for the days that I will be at work after mat leave; thinking I’m worrying too much over things that aren’t going to happen any time soon and have plenty of time to sort out; getting Abigail’s room and the baby’s nursery ready and trying to do this as soon as possible “just in case”; hating to think about the “just in case” but not being able to help it; managing the never-ending stream of details involved in daily life, many of which I now forget because this baby is sucking out my brain cells;  and the irksome introduction of “Hannah” into the perfect Bones/Booth unrequited love dynamic). 

Part of the problem with posting may be my approach to writing on this blog – as much as blogs are touted as a “personal diary” sort of medium, most people who write them write outward, to a real or imagined audience.  So I’ve put off writing about the small stuff since it’s not exactly riveting stuff, and never had time to write about the bigger stuff, and then the bigger stuff receded in time to the point that writing about what we did in Wakefield on our blissful one-night kid-free getaway in July seemed kind of pointless, pretty pictures notwithstanding.  So I haven’t written anything at all.  But I enjoy writing here, and I’m going to try to make time for it more often.  I said the same thing recently about my attempts to knit – Erik figures that if I ever want to be able to finish and use the baby blanket I started when pregnant with Abigail we’ll have to have a third child at the rate it’s going, but at least I pulled my “knitting basket” out of the dark recesses of a closet.  It’s a start. 

There are so many things I wish I had more time for, more “me” time if that doesn’t sound hopelessly clichéd, but I can only work with what I have, and I am loath to cut into what family time we have with Abigail.  There are small things – I want to take a photography course a while after this baby is born and figure out what all the fancy buttons on my Nikon are for; I want to get a bicycle next summer, and big things – oh god don’t get me started on my thesis.  And I’ve come to the conclusion that if I’m not going to feel vaguely dissatisfied with myself on a permanent basis, I need to figure out how to occasionally work these things, and things like them, in.  My life writ large is extremely satisfying (great kid, loving husband, good job, close and caring friends that I manage to see pretty regularly) but the small things sometimes irk.  So my first stop is here – and that will probably mean more frequent, but less crafted, posts.  And because  my poor brain appears buckling under the weight of working full-time, caring for a two-year-old, being pregnant, working on a thesis (sort of), and running a house with a husband who routinely works extremely long days (and now that I write it all down, I guess it does seem like a lot), future posts may not be terribly coherent.  It does seem unfair that pregnant women get fuzzy-headed at exactly the time when a sharp mind would be most helpful.

And I do have some important (to me) things I want to write about in the next little while, such as the incredibly, stupendously thoughtful thing my friends and family did for me recently, my intention to make another batch of the “parent care kit” gift bags we donated to the NICU in August 2009 (another thing that got postponed this summer and which I feel some guilt about since I wanted it to be an annual tradition), and an update on the Peanut, who is doing well, kicking like a bugger, and will hopefully pose for some pretty pictures at our ultrasound next Tuesday.

So, help me out.  How do you do it all without losing your sanity?  And how do you make sure you have some time for yourself without short-changing the important people in your lives?

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Responses

  1. Home daycare work, work daycare home with the occasional frantic pit stop at the grocery store on the way – to kick the shelf and buy what falls off. And a fight every night over what to eat, what to wear and when to go to bed.

    When I’m ready to implode, I remind myself that this is all so temporary. I try and burn the memory of my son’s tight little monkey hugs and toddler kisses and how beautiful he looks when he’s sleeping so I will remember those wonderful things and not the struggles.

    As parents, we only have so long to be the rock star in their eyes before they will roll those same eyes at us and make us drop them off 3 blocks from school. Careers and hobbies and time to relax and travel will hopefully be there for many more years. But now is the time for snack time, bath time, bedtime, diapers, daycare.

  2. First of all…a big congratulations on your pregancy…you are so lucky!!!
    I think the only way to have time to do everything is to become a vampire, that way you don’t need sleep LOL
    xoxoxC

  3. […] awesome about making grand pronouncements about re-dedicating yourself to something, like I did in this post, then totally not following through?  You get to feel like a double-douchebag since no one was […]


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